Monday, October 5, 2009

I dont know if I regret my actions...

****this is not the origional post. I've deleted it.****

So, I feel differently this morning. I don't really care how he feels or what he's doing. He can mess up his own life. And although I shouldn't judge, I don't regret rebuking him. My friend helped me feel better. She told me to stop beating myself up. I cant take it back, and if I hadn't actually expresed my feelings, I would have regretted it. Even if it does strain the already strained relationship. Even if it does cost more because we are dueling it out with lawyers. I said what I felt. For the first time this whole estrangement. Granted, I've started to tell him what I thought. And I had told him how I felt in reguards to how great he was, etc. But I never actually told him about how much I feared where he was heading.

And I'm back to not wanting him back. I know I go through cycles. And although its probably annoying for all of you who have to listen to me in my various cycles, they are healthy. They are normal. And although I may slip back into the wanting him back phase, this is the strongest I've felt for NOT wanting him back.

I just keep thinking of Pahoran. (Alma 60-63. You'll have to click the "next" for the other chapters). And the scripture about the guilty taking the truth to be hard.  I know I'm not Nephi, or Moroni. And if he pointed out my weaknesses or failings, I'd be ticked (and therefore no better), but I can't help but thinking of how his response speaks. And it makes me even MORE determined NOT to want him back.

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