Friday, February 25, 2011

Why I keep going on hiatus...

I LOVE blogging. It lets me express myself, it lets me write as much as I feel like writing. I can put it all out on the table and no one HAS to read it or listen to me, but they can if they want. They can also respond, and our friendship grows. I love the feedback (feeds my ego...) and the level of freedom writing gives. I can talk without interruption, a feat that rarely happens when  you have kids (and I only have one!) and even if I DO get interrupted (which also happens a LOT), I can get right  back into what I was saying without hte mommy blank stare while I try to remember what was going on... Plus, I can put my best foot forward. I can delete anything I didnt mean before I actually publish. I can make sure to speak well, say what I mean with power, and mean what I say. Sometimes I feel like a backwards Ether, I feel like I can write SO much better than I can speak. When I speak, I often say things I didnt mean. Or I meant them, I just didnt mean how they were implied. I'm also a hothead and writing gives me a chance to cool down a little before I say something foolish.

I still DO say foolish things, but just imagine what it would have been like BEFORE I relaxed a little.

So, if I love blogging so much, why do I go months at a time with nothing?

Because in order for me to write, I have to know why I'm writing. And I cant figure out exactly what I want this blog to be. I've been dealing with this "identity crisis" for a while now, and tried to solve it by asking questions about blogs by bloggers and blog readers. And I got 4 responses. The first one said I have such an influence for  good (which melted my heart, thanks, Kristin) and that I could use my blog to help and heal. And I LOVE that answer. That is definitely something I want in my blog. Then another said she struggled with the same questions. And a third said she liked her blogs private so that she knew her kids were safe, which I appreciate. I have often wondered if B's "other family" would use any information in the blog for ill-conceived notions, even if they're not so major. Which helped me to conclude that I want this blog to have very little to do with her daily activities. Just how she influences me. And the fourth, my friend Jessica was such a great help. She reiterated that blogs have such a power for good, and that she has made lifelong friends and had an impact on the world because of it.

but what do I really want in a blog?

I want to showcase my  crafts (more feeding my ego), I want to discuss things I've learned, be that influence for good, and say what needs to be said (which I think is the most important thing) and I want to keep those that know me personally updated in my life in a safe and secure way. I want to bring hope and light, I want to share the voice that God has given me in a way that doesn't scare people away but lets them look at themselves and love themselves. I want to save marriages and lives. I want to be that voice that someone needed to hear today. And if I blog, I allow myself to be heard much louder than I could otherwise. I want to fulfill the call presented by Sister Margaret D. Nadauld.

“The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need more goodness. We have enough vanity; we need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need more purity” (“The Joy of Womanhood,” Ensign, Nov. 2000, 15).

 I dont want to be famous. But I do want to be where God can use me. I don't want to be brash. I want to be refined. I want to be an instrument for good.

But how? How do I use my blog to accomplish all those things? It's easy to say I like blogging and I want to use my blog for good. But actually TAKING UP the challenge is scary! Turning myself into someone that is really OUT there is scary. Writing about stuff on the SURFACE of personal is easy. But if I'm really going to be who I could be, if I'm really going to help, I cant stay on the surface of personal. I have to share the inner workings of my heart. I used to be so bold. But life has taught me caution. I used to be loud and outspoken, but life has taught me that to hold back is to not get hurt. Can I really do this now?

So the truth is... the hiatus... was because I'm a big chicken. I dont know what to say or how to say it to bring the world a little joy and strength. I dont know how to get over my fears of actually being what God needs. And I dont know what this means for me or my family.

But I think, for now, until I chicken out again, I'm ready to try...

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