Sunday, October 21, 2012

The Easy Way

You know, the worst parts of my life were a result of people taking the easy way. I hate the easy way. I mean the right way can be easy, but the easy way is not always right. It's about responsibility. It's about work ethic.

I used to think I had to take responsibility for everyone else's mistakes. And then I realized how much that hurts everyone. They never grow, and I stay in constant pain. I had so much shame. I felt like Elva in Eragon. I was everyone's umbrella in a rainstorm, but I'd get royally chewed out if anyone got even a little wet. I was soaked but it was all my fault when they got a few drops. This came to a huge rearing ugly storm when my little sister got married. I don't blame her at all for how it went, but I do take the credit for how well it came together. I have no shame in saying I was superwoman. She's thanked me a thousand times, but I should thank her for teaching me that I am a human and not an umbrella. For some reason, she was the perfect catalyst. Maybe because she is and was so angelic and innocent. And naive. She is a butterfly that never got to fly until her mission, and then the mission was really a cage. She had no idea what she was capable of. I admit that a lot of that was my fault. I always protected her. She was far too beautiful and new to let her get tarnished and tattered by the world. But when she got engaged, I realized how much she was going to need to learn how to fly. And I had no right to claim protector on that arena. I tried to just help her with her wedding. She was a student, I was crafty and rather adept at weddings. I gave her her responsibilities. And I reminded her. And reminded her. And reminded her. Until the night before the wedding, I was making a wedding cake and overseeing the painting of a gazebo. And by night before, I mean 4 am morning-of. And naturally, it was all my fault.

When I spent 2 days bedridden afterwards, I had plenty of time to think. And I grew that day. I was no longer a minuscule umbrella, but a person with substance. I mean, I still slip into my hero roll every now and again. And I usually regret it afterwards, but my experience had taught me the meaning of responsibility. It changed how I interact with my family. It changed how i raised my daughter. It changed how I interact with society. It changed how I feel about myself. Suddenly, when I no longer carried the world on my shoulders, I became worth something. I, Keira, am worth something (And man does my ex hate it).

But with that realization, excuses have
really begun to bug me. Hence my frustration with the easy way. Oh, and I bet that surviving a divorce comes into play, as well. If we're going to be fair here. My ex said he married me because it was easy (I made it that way. That was the biggest mistake I made in my past marriage. I let it happen). It was easy to marry me. When that got hard, he looked for other easy things. He had an affair because it was easy. He stayed married to me in the affair because it was easy. He finally sent divorce papers because it was easy (I got up the courage to demand action in one way or another).

So yeah, I hate easy. But sometimes... Sometimes I wish that didn't mean it had to be so hard. Today was hard. I let it be, I know. I let it all get to me again. I'll do better tomorrow.

"Hurrah for Israel."

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