Thursday, January 31, 2013

Plan of Action

So I think I've collected myself. I have always thought that when things aren't fair, you DO something about it (did I mention I'm very blue?). But the problem is, what do you do when it's no longer your fight and you're still receiving some of the pain from it? That's really hard for a recovering rescuer. So I spent yesterday in thought and meditation and research (the doing side of thinking), and I think I've come up with my plan of action. It's not an easy one, but I think it's right.

STEP 1: Wait. This is no longer my fight. I'm the reserve unit, not the main army. I'm here to keep things under control on the home-front. This is my kid's fight. If she really hates public school so badly, she will step up to fight if I don't. She'll get the courage to stand up to her biological and say that this is not okay. And it doesn't matter if she wins or loses the battle. It's not a death match. And she'll likely lose. But if she loses, she'll see that "Mom fought for what I wanted, he fought for what he wanted." She'll see best intentions. But only if I let her see. It also means I don't have to be the messenger. The messenger gets shot. It'll get rid of the pitting parents against each other before it's really had a chance to take off. She'll lose that ace before she knows she ever had it. Also, right after I lost the home school battle the first time, I got a blessing that said this wasn't my agency in play any more. I had already proven that I was willing to fight for my promptings. This was other people's agency being tested. And at the time, I thought it was all the judge's and the ex's. But now... Now I see that it meant her all along. This is her agency. And just as I was let off the {very bad disgusting} hook because someone else's agency was in play with my divorce, I am given a chance to be off the hook here, too. If she doesn't fight for home school and thereby has to stay in public school, I don't have to home school (yes, it's a get to... but it's also a have to. I get out of some responsibility... which is bittersweet for me... but we're thinking positive here, so bittersweet is still sweet). If she does fight for her rights, she will know how strong she is. She will have the courage to stand up. And that's huge. And how dare I deny her the chance to see her strength.

STEP 2: Strengthen the reserve unit. The judge said if I could prove that she had special needs that couldn't be met in a public setting and that if I could prove I had the expertise to teach, she would re-consider her case. And I'm pretty sure that's just an excuse, and she'd come up with some other story next time, but I might as well take the chance. I can prove the first part. Since my main reason to home school was to avoid standardized testing for my anti-test child and there's no way to avoid standardized testing in a public setting, that one's easy. But the second part... I have  done my homework. I know what I am expected to know, I've read and researched and studied. I know what to expect from a second grader. I know all of the most common homeschooling methods. I know how to get social activities, where to go for help, the legal ins and outs, and am pretty confident in my abilities. But I can't show that. I don't think a list of all my research books and websites will help. So I've decided. I'm going to study for the praxis exam. And I'm going to find a way to take it, just not "officially." And then I'm going to mail the judge a copy of my results. I know her point was to make me go and get a teaching degree for my kid, thereby taking 2-4 years and it'd be too late to home school after that. But that doesn't work for me. I'm smarter than to fall for that trap. However, passing the same test will count for something. Even if it's just with me.

STEP 3: Resign our fates. If step 1 and step 2 don't work, I'll look for the positive in public school. There are good teachers. There are amazing staff. And it's a rather small school. And I know the counselors. Okay, I know most of the adults at the school. And I'll pray really hard that she gets  good teachers and gets over her severe (I mean SEVERE) test anxiety.

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