Monday, January 7, 2013

Rebellion



In case you haven't noticed... I haven't posted... Nothing new. You probably all saw it coming. 

But this time it was deliberate. I was rebelling. 

I am learning so much about myself, and I took my big loud voice and said NO. I don't want to blog, so I wont. I don't want to share, so I wont. I want to keep this to myself. I want to just be. And not worry about sharing. Or needing to apologize for being myself. 

I don't have to do that anymore. 

And guess what? I survived it

I've had a downright rotten month. And yes, there were many blessings and miracles, and I still have a house and a family and blah de blah blah. I know I'm blessed. I'm not dismissing that. But my attitude has been shakey for quite a while, and instead of hiding my grumpiness or excusing it, 


EXPERIENCED

 it. 

I've spent my whole life being told I need to be grateful for what I have and that I'm so blessed and that I should just be happy because I'm in control of my happiness. And honestly, that was the stupidest idea ever. Yes, I'm in control of my emotions. I'm well aware of that. But  guess what? The pallet of emotions isn't just pink and rainbows. Sometimes there's black. And I am not evil or less worthwhile if I experience the spectrum. I can be very contented being mad. Sometimes life just stinks, and that's okay. I don't have to pretend I like where I am. I don't have to pretend that every disappointment doesn't exist. I can kick and scream and gnash my teeth at myself when yet again I don't get the miracles I'm looking for. 

I'm a big grown up and I get to have emotions. And it's okay. And once I deal with those emotions by not being everyone's everything and just saying I am Keira and I am important and I have a right to feel what I want to feel and be who I want to be and I don't have to pretend I am not sick of everything...  I got to actually feel LOVE. And a reason to live. And I've really been missing those lately. The funny thing is, when you're too ashamed to feel sorrow and anger and remorse, those are the only ones you GET to feel. They're starved for attention, and they're demanding it. They get right in your face and block everything. So instead of being everyone's hero, I quit. I stopped rescuing. I stopped pretending I'm not sick of everyone's garbage. I didn't shove it in their face, but I pulled the logic card of, "gee, that stinks. What are you going to do about it?" When they whined some more, or dropped more hints, I pretended to be an idiot. "oh, man. Your problems are so hard. It's a good thing you're such a strong person and can work through this." Funny thing is, no one ever asks for my help. They expect me to swoop in and give it. And when they finally actually asked, I either showed them how they could do it themselves, or I would help with just the step they asked for help on. I let people figure things out for themselves.

And instead, I read a whole book. In a day. Okay, except for the first chapter that took me an entire year to read. And I LOVED it. I stayed in bed because I felt like it, and I read a book. It felt amazing. 

And guess what? Part of me still feels guilty. I've been programmed to believe that what I did was wrong. But you know the truth? It wasn't. By being the hero, I was killing myself. Literally. 

I mean literally. 

I've spent the last year sick in one way or another. No one could figure out exactly why. Even my crazy diet leaves me feeling like what we've discovered is inadequate. Being everyone's everything  was sucking me dry. Any positive energy I had was used for others or to hold up the facade that I was okay. And that's just stupid. Now, I'm letting everyone else take care of themselves. They don't even get my energy. I get my energy, and they can get what I have flowing out of my energy cup once it's had time to heal all of the cracks and holes and can actually compound and make more. 


Liza's Bucket song suddenly makes more sense. What a deep children's song! ;c) And smart smart Liza never once gives up on dear Henry and just does it herself. See how much energy she saves? Poor Henry has a problem. Liza helps. She tells him how to fix it himself. I always got frustrated with Henry as a kid. If I had really been Liza, I would probably have called Henry a not-so-nice name and just done it myself. Hence why I'm always exhausted. Hence why I'm always sick and why I've spent the last month hating everything. 

And now I can see my folly. I'd say it might take me a while to figure it out, but honestly, I don't think so. I think it finally clicked (at least this step of breaking the codependent cycle), and it's really nice to say, "Nope. that's your mess. I am too valuable to clean up your garbage. I will clean up my own, thanks." and I can even say it nicer than calling people names and doing it myself. Because there's no emotion or energy involved. I wish I had realized how little energy it took to say no. I used to invest so much in it! 

Anyway, sorry for the rant. 

Actually I'm not. That is the old me talking.

If you read all the way to the apology, then you chose to, and you get to deal with the consequence of your reading, which is probably just a different view on me. I am okay whether your view has changed or not. Simply because I am okay. 

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