Monday, February 25, 2013

Growing

I've been processing things lately, something's going to give soon. I feel it coming. Change. It's not a calm before a storm feeling (calm? What's that?), it's more of a pressure buildup. I can sense the pressure change. It might have something to do with my bestie moving away. Or her kids moving with her (it has really affected my girl! In a big way). Or maybe all of the pressure from visitation is finally going to cause more than a metaphorical air leak. But I can see the pieces of some grand puzzle falling closer into place, even though the picture is still fuzzy and out of focus. I wish I knew what that picture is, so I could prepare; but oddly, I feel more like I am just meant to be the spectator of my life for now. I guess others Would call it a "be still and know," kind of feeling. And for a girl raised to believe that if anything was going to get done I had to do it and do it instantly... to be okay with being still and letting God work is a huge step for me. I've NEVER mastered being still. At all.

I guess I should thank Katie. We found each other through my friend Reta, and she is a true and solid rock. She is real. And I know real people. I surround myself with them. Katie helped me balance some things in my life today. She helped me see and replace some of the lies I tell myself. I'm really in awe at how much peace I feel after talking with her. I mean, it's not like suddenly the world is spinning the other way... But maybe *I* am. I feel... Balance. Somehow my foundation feels a little more sure. I'm terrified that the healthy thinking won't stick, but I shouldn't be. I should embrace that it's here now.

But I think there's more. Something's coming. Something big. Something personally earth shattering. Some huge blessing that is going to be hidden in some huge trial. Somehow it will bring all the answers I am seeking and all of these "preparatory contractions" will culminate in some searing pain that will bring blessings I can't describe. I wish I just knew what it was!

It's a feeling of the wolves moving in. And I can't just hunker down and let them draw closer, but that's the only way to survive. The best escape route is right on through them, at exactly the right moment. But I'm no good at timing things (remember the "right now" bit about my lies to myself?). Oddly, though, I feel safe just waiting. Like I have nothing else so important than to sit and analyze the opponent, whomever that may be.

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