Wednesday, February 13, 2013

How Not to Make The Yarn Heart Wreath

If you're looking for how TO make a yarn heart wreathe, spare yourself. This is not that tutorial. This is how NOT to make it. It's funnier, but not as useful. You want this post

Approximate prep time: 3 weeks. 
  1. Get your supplies together. I used a small bottle of school glue, polyester yarn, and 2 bendy balloons. Oh, and a plate.
  2. Take a picture.
  3. Blow up the balloons. 
  4. Know that somehow you managed to grab the 2 gimpiest balloons that came in the package because they won't blow up more than half way.
  5. Twist the ends together like you know what you're doing.
  6. Take a picture.
  7. Look at the tutorial and realize she tied her ends together. Undo step 5 and tie gimpy tiny tie-spot from blowing the balloon all the way to the end of the tube to the incredibly long, somehow-the-balloon-can't-make-it-past-halfway end of the balloon. 
  8. Mix too much water in with the glue. Use it anyway. 
  9. Realize you should have cut the yarn before covering your fingers in glue.
  10. Wash your hands. The glue comes off easily when it dries, but man is it a bugger to wash off while wet. 
  11. Dry your hands. They're still sticky, but close enough. 
  12. Cut a few strands of yarn.
  13. Take a picture.
  14. Wrap yarn haphazardly around the balloons.
  15. Run out of yarn. 
  16. Wash your hands.
  17. Cut more yarn.
  18. Continue wrapping glue-y strands around the balloon.
  19. Wash your hands.
  20. Take pictures you can't find anywhere for the life of you. 
  21. Hang them up to dry.
  22. Wash your hands.
  23. Take some more pictures that will disappear into Little Big Planet dreamworld. 
  24. Realize you are not really a big fan of the yarn because it looks ... quilter-happy and homemade.
  25. Run to the store for crochet thread (weight 3)
  26. Repeat step 12 but cut a lot more thread. Manage to cut most of them too long to work with.
  27. Repeat step 3, confirming you really did have the 2 gimpy balloons last time, because these blow up beautifully. 
  28. Twist the ends together like a real pro this time. See, you're learning.  
  29. Wrap the thread around the  balloon. This time, trying to find a method to the madness, but still not finding it. 
  30. Hang these balloons up to dry, too. 
  31. Google the real tutorial instead of the one in Mandarin and realize that in her tutorial she says that the amount of string she put on in the picture wasn't nearly enough.
  32. Take the balloons back down, cut more strings and load it up.
  33. Wait.
  34. Wait. Wait.
  35. Next morning, pop the balloons.
  36. Take a picture.
  37. Realize how much work is in front of you, because these balloons do NOT want to hold their shape. 
  38. Cut the end of the balloon any way. cringe at how much it wants to fall apart.
  39. Take a picture. Fake that it's working...
  40. Wrap the heck out of the balloons, waiting every few hours to let the soft maleable creation dry a bit before you force it into submission. 
  41. Wait. 
  42. Stall.
  43. Think maybe it's because you watered the glue down too much. So you add straight glue directly to the weak spots.
  44. Take a picture. Documentation, right? 
  45. Wait.
  46. Almost cry that that didn't work.
  47. Brainstorm. spray adhesive sounds messy, but you're desperate. There's also spray starch. Does it need heat? What the heck, it's worth a shot, because you can still see the glue you applied earlier anyway. At this point, you have nothing to lose.
  48. Try the spray adhesive.
  49. Leave it sitting overnight in hopes it'll be less sticky. 
  50. Wake up the next morning to know that it still didn't work.
  51. Try the spray starch.
  52. Wait.
  53. Come back and realize it still didn't work.
  54. Throw it in the garbage. There's no hope for the sticky mess now.
  55. Focus on the pink one. use the entire rest of the string in hopes you can save it. 
  56. Consider that maybe you're just squeezing out too much of the glue.
  57. Leave the very last few pretty gooey in hopes that it helped (I think it did a little, but I didn't realize it soon enough.
  58. Run out of pink thread.
  59. Get some semblance of structure, even if it dried a little ...malformed
  60. Resign yourself to it's fate.
  61. Tie a ribbon around it
  62. Hang it up.
  63. Take a picture.
  64. Let it eat at you for a few days as it continues to sag more and more.
  65. Stall.
  66. Still stall. 
  67. It wont let you quit. You HAVE to beat this thing.
  68. Tell your daughter you're going to give up.
  69. Listen to her tell you it's against the rules to give up.
  70. Curse your parenting.
  71. Research (see, now we're using our brains like a woman is meant to!). Google "yarn balloon hold shape," and "Yarn balloon fail," and about 10 other search phrases in hopes that someone will tell you how to fix it.
  72. Come across the one line on the one site that finally has your answer. Chuck the yarn. only 100% cotton will work. 
  73. Tell yourself you can try again.
  74. Blow up the balloons.
  75. Answer the door for your cousin to come in.
  76. Go to the store for the right yarn.
  77. Come back to half of the rest of your balloons popped and this:
  78. Silently stew that your cousin needs to learn to keep his hands off of your stuff. curse at him in 3-year-old whiny voices in your head. 
  79. Start over. 
  80. Breathe deeply. You can do this. 
  81. Next photo op. (Disregard the other red one, I was debating making another one out of crochet thread. The debate lost). 
  82. Cut a bazillion strands of yarn. Many are too short, but you don't care.
  83. Re-prep your glue. Barely any water.
  84. Meticulously dip the glue in the yarn.
  85. Breathe.
  86. Pull the gluey gooey yarn strand out and gently wipe off the excess.
  87. Breathe.
  88. Meticulously wrap it around the balloon. Try a method. Maybe short coils the entire length will give it structure?
  89. Take a picture. Forget about washing your hands. It takes too long and your camera's waterproof.
  90. Wrap the second coil tighter.
  91. Take another picture so that you can pretend all the other mess just didn't happen.
  92. Realize that the meticulousness is causing problems. Mostly because the 2 men that have seen it both comment that it needs yarn going up and down, not just around.
  93. Tell them that would be ugly.
  94. Use your brain and realize that if you make wider coils in opposite directions, that will give it the structure of "up and down" strands, while not being ugly like a man did it. 
  95. Move on to the next half of the balloon.
  96. Wrap yarn in your new ingenious way.
  97. Constantly think of new ways to wipe hair out of your face when your hands are covered in glue. 
  98. Note how well it's working. 
  99. Contain your relief. You must not tell the men they were the inspiration for your victory.
  100. Let both balloons dry.
  101. Keep letting them dry. There's no way you're messing up this one.
  102. Pull them down and pop the balloons. Again.
  103. Test out the structure. That one half looks GOOD!
  104. Mini celebration in your head. 
  105. Look at the other side and say, well half is better than none.
  106. Cut the top of one and the bottom of the other.
  107. Even the break in the top joint doesn't phase you any more.
  108. Take a picture.
  109. Put the pieces together and take another picture.
  110. Brace it.
  111. Brace it some more.
  112. That side's getting weak. walk away.
  113. Come back and reinforce again.
  114. Take a picture
  115. Add more glue strands. 
  116. Finally realize it's enough.
  117. Finally. Something that worked. 
  118. Because there was NO way you were going to try it again.
To see the finished product of the red one (you know, the one I'm happy with) check here.

Hope I made you laugh. 

1 comment:

  1. I saw this one that uses one of those pool noodles: might be easier than fiddly balloons? Not that you want to deal with it again, and I think yours turned out cute! :o)