Sunday, May 26, 2013

Update From the Gallows...

Okay, that's a sarcastic title. I'm really just fine. I haven't been posting on my blog because I needed time for things to settle down.

It started with my computer acting up (it's still temperamental  but I've got a battle plan to tackle that... when I get around to it. The thinking part's done, anyway, and that's the biggest hurdle).

And then ... drama in "Salem."

As my testimony of empathy vs shame has grown, some people I love haven't been able to accept the change. I don't fit in the same family dynamics I used to, and that has caused more than one rift over the past year and a half. Some have healed and are stronger now, and I am SOO grateful and thank my Heavenly Father for that every time my heart goes back to the pain. And some... Some may never heal; and that deeply saddens me. Especially because I can't go back; I cannot undo the change. I know better now. In my own little allegory of the cave, I just can't bring myself to go back and stare at shadows on the wall when I have felt the warmth of the sun.  My eyes don't focus in the dark anymore and I don't belong.   I guess I tried a bit too hard to help others understand, and it's really caused some rifts I am deeply sorry for. Not really sorry for my actions - because they were calculated and balanced, and my heart has a peace in regards to what I did - but sorry for the loss of relationships. I don't care about being right, but I pity those that cannot understand that it's okay to be wrong. I grieve for the made-up happiness I had in my head, because it was never real. I was never where I thought I was in family dynamics. And that realization has caused more ache and sorrow than any I anticipated. It also brings healing, however, because now I can step back, not try so hard to stick to a false position, and can accept that I was never there to begin with. No matter how much you try, you cannot change how someone sees you. You  can only change how YOU see you, and then maybe (and only maybe) others will notice, too. And if they never notice, that's okay, because when YOU see you, their opinion wont matter, anymore. When you really get to know yourself, and accept yourself, the black and the white, other people's opinions slide right off of you.

Yes, there's no denying... I have changed.

But in the midst of all of the drama, life has gone on.

  • My house is STILL being spring cleaned (never again will I endeavor to do it all at once. From here on out, one room a year! Or at least not by myself... And by myself I mean the one that has to stop and get people ready for school/work, the one who has to stop and cook breakfast/lunch/dinner, the one that has to stop when life happens so she can be of service to people.) I think I might put up some tutorials, or at least some after pictures, because that might make it all a little more worth it...
  • My garden is in... mostly... and mostly the way I want it. I really just need to win some kind of lottery that I don't even buy tickets for. That would be great... My dreams are still way bigger than my pocket book. It's pretty, though. I'll post pics in about a week, when the rest of my seedlings are ready for life outdoors (we always have that one freak frost after memorial day... I'm not gonna let it win).
  • I'm studying for the Praxis test that I will be taking very soon. And I KNOW it's what is right for me. I opened the study guide, and this immense peace washed over me! I had been questioning it, because I'm so tired of kicking against the pricks (meant biblically, not slang-ly) and pushing against a mountain that is not moving. And so many people have such a negative attitude about it! I know it's needed, but so much damage has been done this year in public school, I really don't want to clean up a mess I tried to prevent. And it seems as though I'm at war with the world whenever I even broach the subject, so I've kept my feelings in my heart.
  • My Angel Sister now has an angel in heaven. The whole situation has been too personal for me to write about. Soon, I will, though. I need to get some things out of me instead of locking them up inside. I just can't yet...
  • I'm having flashbacks of a childhood I don't remember and really wish didn't exist. But I can't talk about THAT either.
  • We are currently sailing off of a cliff of faith as far as jobs go and praying something will be waiting for us at the bottom. 
  • Ranger's family ... has a lot of pain in its future, and they think it's what they want. And I both refuse to get involved and refuse to stay silent while others are "burned at the stake" for things they may or may not have done. And it's causing personal conflicts. Where is the balance there?  It has also really shaken my husband, and I don't know how to deal with that while dealing with my own personal conflicts. 
All in all... I just couldn't bring myself to blog. I didn't want to be put on trial for how sad I felt over being put on trial. I didn't want to draw any attention to myself. I didn't want to stop what I was doing and sit at a desk when I was too overwhelmingly busy, and I just didn't have words to say what I need to say. But now is time. 

Now is time. 

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